Changing direction

Hi everyone!

Welcome back. This is another update following on from my previous post, as my plans have changed again. When I decided to start this blog, I wanted it to be an honest outlet to document how I’m feeling while doing something that has genuinely been one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. I hoped that most posts would be upbeat, but the truth is… I am struggling.

The rapid decline in my mental health has forced me to step back and re-evaluate my plans. Over the past week, I’ve reached some of the lowest points I’ve ever experienced, and my anxiety has become so severe that I’ve had panic attacks for the first time in nearly six years. Looking back, coming off my antidepressants before this trip was probably the worst idea. I didn’t realise just how much my stability was rooted in routine — the same routine that allowed me to come off them in the first place.

Right now, I feel overwhelmed, lost and lonely. I sit in my hostel bunk at night wondering why I’m not having the time of my life. Why does everyone else come to Australia, fall in love with it and never want to leave? Why isn’t this everything I hoped it would be? Is there something wrong with me for finding it so difficult?

I’ve spoken to so many people here who haven’t felt homesick once. I try not to compare my experience, but it’s tough. This is my first time doing anything like this, and doing it alone is scary.

To make things worse, I’ve been ill for the past few days and it’s completely wiped me out. Being poorly is bad enough, but being poorly on the other side of the world while already feeling low was just the cherry on top. After countless FaceTimes with my mum, Nige and my dad I realised something had to change. I’m lucky to have their advice and support, even from so far away. Staying here and carrying on the way I am clearly isn’t working for me.

A few days ago, I was incredibly close to booking a flight straight home. My mental health had started affecting me physically, and I didn’t care where I went next because I felt so unwell that I worried I wouldn’t be able to enjoy anything. But one thing was for certain: I had come too far not to tick off my bucket list.

While I was in full meltdown mode, Nigel found a wonderful contact at Happy Travels to help plan and book my East Coast trip. I didn’t want the stress or pressure of organising everything on my own. Right now, I just need someone to help me so all I have to do is turn up and enjoy myself.

So… I fly to Cairns on Thursday, where a new adventure begins. I’ll be travelling all the way down to Sydney in time for Christmas and New Year. I’m truly hoping that this next stage will help me get my spark back, and that I can leave Australia with a full and happy heart, knowing I’ve experienced a trip of a lifetime.

I keep reminding myself that doing this solo is not easy, and I definitely think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. I’ve thrown myself so far into the deep end that my body and nervous system are basically saying, “Stop it now, Rach. We’re not cut out for this.” I’ve realised that I lost sight of my ‘why’. At first, my reason for coming was to live it up in my twenties, while I’m young, free and single. But maybe the purpose of this trip isn’t just about fun. Maybe it’s about learning who I am — what I enjoy, what I value, and what I need to feel grounded and happy.

Despite the hard parts, the last month in Adelaide has brought some of the best people I’ve ever met. I couldn’t have been luckier with the group of friends I’ve found, and at exactly the right time. When I look back, I have no doubt that the memories of laughing, exploring and spending time with them will outweigh the difficult moments. When I’m with them, I don’t feel lonely. Their company has felt like home when I needed it most, and I know I’ve made some friends for life. I’ll be sad to leave them behind on Thursday, but deep down I know it’s time to change direction.

Below are a few more snapshots of the highs ❤️ - Watching the most beautiful sunsets, going to the beach volleyball, enjoying food and drinks, celebrating birthdays and a cute little evening watching the new Wicked movie. These are the memories that will stand out when the difficult parts have passed.

I’m really conscious that I might sound like a negative Nancy, and I’m so grateful to even be in this position. But I wouldn’t be true to myself if I wasn’t honest. I want this blog to reflect reality — mainly so I have the full picture to look back on. So, stay tuned for the incoming East Coast posts. I have so many exciting plans and I’m hopeful that I’ll have a lot more to share soon.

Lots of love,
Rach x