Mental Health Chats: Body Image and Social Media
Hi everyone,
As promised, here is a raw and honest post specifically covering the topic of low self esteem and body image. I have written this only 2 months since coming off my anti-depressants and it was quite difficult to put it into words. This definitely won’t be the last that I delve into mental health because I want to talk about all the techniques/ lifestyle changes I’ve put to use that have helped me to come off my tablets and be able to do what I’m doing now. But for now, here is just an open and honest brain dump that I wrote while having a really low confidence day….
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Lately, I’ve been struggling- a lot more than I let on. Travelling is supposed to be freeing, exciting, full of self-discovery… but since arriving, all I discover are new ways to be cruel to myself.
My self-esteem and confidence feel like they’re hanging on by a thread. Everyday I battle with that quiet, constant voice that tells me I’m not enough- not pretty enough, not confident enough, not capable enough. My mind feels consumed by thoughts of food and body image and it is exhausting! Anytime I walk past a mirror I lift my shirt to look at my stomach hoping it looks flatter than when I last checked 10 minutes before. Or I’ll use my hands to measure the tops of my thighs to see if the circumference is bigger than last week. I think about how to hide my legs instead of how to enjoy the sunshine. It’s a constant loop of body checking, comparison, guilt and self-criticism that never really stops.
When I was in Fuerteventura recently with Mum and Nige, I would go quiet at the table most evenings during food because I’d be going through my head everything I had eaten that day. I am so annoyed at myself for letting those thoughts take me out of just being there in the moment. Instead, I sat scrolling looking at photos from 2 years ago post breakup when I had lost weight thinking if only I could get back to that. The truth is, that period of time was one of the lowest and I still wasn’t happy with my body back then. I would be sat watching the sunset on holiday with my favourite people and be in the most foul mood because in my head I was tearing myself to pieces. Not just in looks but in who I am. Too sensitive, too anxious, too average.
Social media has had a huge impact on my mental health and every time I open Tiktok or Instagram I get reminded of why I never feel ‘enough.’ SkinnyTok. What I eat in a day. My 5am morning routine. How to reduce your hip dips. Everyone seems to be glowing, graceful and naturally ‘that girl.’ They drink green juices, go to pilates, have glass skin, flat stomachs, un-dimpled thighs, an effortlessly chic wardrobe and unlimited supply of discipline. But this extends past not just body image but seeing perfectly curated and aesthetic lives. The tidy apartments with neutral tones, the matching glass mason jars, the perfect pantry full of organic produce that make up a ‘bio hacking’ routine and yet another all expenses paid 5 star influencer trip to the Maldives. The rise of extreme ‘wellness’ culture that actually is so extreme it makes you unwell. It’s being celebrated to eat less, not be hungry, survive off coffee as though food and proper nutrition have become the enemy.
I feel caught in the middle- knowing how toxic it all is, but still feeling the pull to shrink myself. I joined the gym at the beginning of this year because I had an image in my mind of how I wanted to look. Finally now I’m starting to go because I care more about how my body can support me through life and I want to be the healthiest version of myself mentally and physically. I often feel like I need to get to this ‘perfect’ version of myself before I can meet my person. Even though I know deep down that my worth doesn’t depend on how I look or how put together my life is, its hard to shake the feeling that I need to do more, achieve more, be more rather than simply accepting that I am enough as I am in this very moment. Multiple versions of yourself can exist at the same time- the confident you, the insecure you, the happy you and the sad you but all of them deserve to be met with the same gentle internal dialogue.
I would also love for this particular post to reach any young people who are growing up in the thick of this crazy, unattainable social media world. Absolutely no one will stand up at your funeral and talk about how amazing your abs are, how aesthetic your Instagram feed is, how cool you are because you were the first in your group to get the newest trending item that’s blown up on Tiktok. They’ll talk about the way you made them feel, how good of a friend you are, your energy and your laugh. Never lose sight of your light and the people who love you through every phase of yourself. I have lost so much time and confidence to comparison. Wishing I was less me and more of an ‘ideal’ version that I think I should be. Look after yourself- eat nutritious food, move your body daily not to look a certain way but because your body deserves love and not punishment. Move through life with kindness and never assume that the person stood next to you has it altogether. No one does. Please feel free to share this post to anyone who might find it comforting to know the way they’re feeling is completely normal and no matter what - you are ENOUGH as you are. I’ll leave you with a few unfiltered images.
Much love,
Rach x
